What’s up? ‘Merica here. I hear you’ve been bothering our fearless leader, Donald J. Trump. Knock that (per Facebook Terms and Conditions insert curse word here) off. He’s a good guy. A good guy whose gonna kick some ass. You know what we like about him? He’s real. He’s as real as they come. I’ve never seen a guy tell it like it is the way he does. He’s so raw it gets my wood rattling—if you know what I mean. He stuck it to Crooked Hillary, he stuck it to the liberal media, and now he’s gonna stick it to you.
Trump is gonna drain the swamp, kill the establishment, cut taxes, destroy Obamacare, and bitch slap any foreign leader foolish enough to question his kick ass authority. He’s gonna bring back the coal factories, eliminate NAFTA—the absolute worst trade deal in the history of this great county. He’s gonna deport the immigrants and build a great, big wall to keep ‘em out. What’s more, he’s gonna charge the Mexicans down to the penny to pay for that wall. He’s gonna be the greatest job creator God has ever seen. He’s gonna do so many great things that by 2020 we’ll be the most powerful country in the world again. And on that good day, America, we can’t wait to tell you we told you so.
Fuck China. Fuck Mexico. Fuck the Ukraine, Iraq, Iran, and Syria. There’s a new sheriff in town, America, and you’d best get used to it.
Trump’s gonna build ties with Russia. It’s about time! So what if they hacked us and used information to influence the election? Does anyone really care? Besides, they hacked us for good reason: to sully the name of Hillary Clinton and her confidants. In short, they acted like ‘Mericans! Fuck yeah! How can we not respect them for that? Isn’t that the type of ally we’d wanna have?
And you know what the best part is, America? Trump’s gonna let us keep our guns. Our 100% absolute Constitutional right. No longer will we have to live in fear that Hillary and her cronies will come knocking on our doors and demand our Glocks and Berettas. We’ll be free to carry whatever we want, whenever we want, and there isn’t a damn thing anyone’s gonna be able to do about it.
We’re gonna get back to the way things were. And isn’t that what America is all about?
Now fuck off bothering our President-elect and do what you do best: fade into the ether while ‘Merica enjoys the fruits of the electoral college’s labor.
(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on January 12, 2017)