Words By Jimmy Carter

I encourage everyone to read the remarkable words by Jimmy Carter, in a speech he delivered on July 15, 1979, about our nation's energy crisis.  Over forty years ago President Carter saw this country meandering toward this blanket attitude of selfishness and passivity, and he pleaded with the American people to fight for change and embrace fundamental goodness.

In times of uncertainty it is easy to get lost in the fold.  We have become a divisive country, especially in the past year, and many claim to see the dark days of our political system on the precipice of destruction.  We are inundated with fear and pointed toward the ones who's to blame for that fear.  None of it is healthy and this toxic environment will only make us more divisive.  What we should really be doing is focusing on how to fix the broken parts of our system and create a more unified society.

Various passages from this speech can be found below, and the link to the speech is at the very bottom.  Words in bold are the particularly powerful excerpts.

"Good evening. This is a special night for me. Exactly three years ago, on July 15, 1976, I accepted the nomination of my party to run for president of the United States.

I promised you a president who is not isolated from the people, who feels your pain, and who shares your dreams and who draws his strength and his wisdom from you.

During the past three years I've spoken to you on many occasions about national concerns, the energy crisis, reorganizing the government, our nation's economy, and issues of war and especially peace. But over those years the subjects of the speeches, the talks, and the press conferences have become increasingly narrow, focused more and more on what the isolated world of Washington thinks is important. Gradually, you've heard more and more about what the government thinks or what the government should be doing and less and less about our nation's hopes, our dreams, and our vision of the future.

Ten days ago I had planned to speak to you again about a very important subject -- energy. For the fifth time I would have described the urgency of the problem and laid out a series of legislative recommendations to the Congress. But as I was preparing to speak, I began to ask myself the same question that I now know has been troubling many of you. Why have we not been able to get together as a nation to resolve our serious energy problem?

It's clear that the true problems of our Nation are much deeper -- deeper than gasoline lines or energy shortages, deeper even than inflation or recession. 

I know, of course, being president, that government actions and legislation can be very important. That's why I've worked hard to put my campaign promises into law -- and I have to admit, with just mixed success. But after listening to the American people I have been reminded again that all the legislation in the world can't fix what's wrong with America. So, I want to speak to you first tonight about a subject even more serious than energy or inflation. I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to American democracy.

I do not mean our political and civil liberties. They will endure. And I do not refer to the outward strength of America, a nation that is at peace tonight everywhere in the world, with unmatched economic power and military might.

The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of our national will. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for our nation.

The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America.

The confidence that we have always had as a people is not simply some romantic dream or a proverb in a dusty book that we read just on the Fourth of July.

It is the idea which founded our nation and has guided our development as a people. Confidence in the future has supported everything else -- public institutions and private enterprise, our own families, and the very Constitution of the United States. Confidence has defined our course and has served as a link between generations. We've always believed in something called progress. We've always had a faith that the days of our children would be better than our own.

Our people are losing that faith, not only in government itself but in the ability as citizens to serve as the ultimate rulers and shapers of our democracy. As a people we know our past and we are proud of it. Our progress has been part of the living history of America, even the world. We always believed that we were part of a great movement of humanity itself called democracy, involved in the search for freedom, and that belief has always strengthened us in our purpose. But just as we are losing our confidence in the future, we are also beginning to close the door on our past.

In a nation that was proud of hard work, strong families, close-knit communities, and our faith in God, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does, but by what one owns. But we've discovered that owning things and consuming things does not satisfy our longing for meaning. We've learned that piling up material goods cannot fill the emptiness of lives which have no confidence or purpose.

The symptoms of this crisis of the American spirit are all around us. For the first time in the history of our country a majority of our people believe that the next five years will be worse than the past five years. Two-thirds of our people do not even vote. The productivity of American workers is actually dropping, and the willingness of Americans to save for the future has fallen below that of all other people in the Western world.

As you know, there is a growing disrespect for government and for churches and for schools, the news media, and other institutions. This is not a message of happiness or reassurance, but it is the truth and it is a warning.

These changes did not happen overnight. They've come upon us gradually over the last generation, years that were filled with shocks and tragedy.

We were sure that ours was a nation of the ballot, not the bullet, until the murders of John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. We were taught that our armies were always invincible and our causes were always just, only to suffer the agony of Vietnam. We respected the presidency as a place of honor until the shock of Watergate.

We remember when the phrase "sound as a dollar" was an expression of absolute dependability, until ten years of inflation began to shrink our dollar and our savings. We believed that our nation's resources were limitless until 1973, when we had to face a growing dependence on foreign oil.

These wounds are still very deep. They have never been healed. Looking for a way out of this crisis, our people have turned to the Federal government and found it isolated from the mainstream of our nation's life. Washington, D.C., has become an island. The gap between our citizens and our government has never been so wide. The people are looking for honest answers, not easy answers; clear leadership, not false claims and evasiveness and politics as usual.

What you see too often in Washington and elsewhere around the country is a system of government that seems incapable of action. You see a Congress twisted and pulled in every direction by hundreds of well-financed and powerful special interests. You see every extreme position defended to the last vote, almost to the last breath by one unyielding group or another. You often see a balanced and a fair approach that demands sacrifice, a little sacrifice from everyone, abandoned like an orphan without support and without friends.

Often you see paralysis and stagnation and drift. You don't like it, and neither do I. What can we do?

First of all, we must face the truth, and then we can change our course. We simply must have faith in each other, faith in our ability to govern ourselves, and faith in the future of this nation. Restoring that faith and that confidence to America is now the most important task we face. It is a true challenge of this generation of Americans.

We know the strength of America. We are strong. We can regain our unity. We can regain our confidence. We are the heirs of generations who survived threats much more powerful and awesome than those that challenge us now. Our fathers and mothers were strong men and women who shaped a new society during the Great Depression, who fought world wars, and who carved out a new charter of peace for the world.

We ourselves are the same Americans who just ten years ago put a man on the Moon. We are the generation that dedicated our society to the pursuit of human rights and equality. And we are the generation that will win the war on the energy problem and in that process rebuild the unity and confidence of America.

We are at a turning point in our history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I've warned about tonight, the path that leads to fragmentation and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of freedom, the right to grasp for ourselves some advantage over others. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immobility. It is a certain route to failure.

All the traditions of our past, all the lessons of our heritage, all the promises of our future point to another path, the path of common purpose and the restoration of American values. That path leads to true freedom for our nation and ourselves. We can take the first steps down that path as we begin to solve our energy problem.

Energy will be the immediate test of our ability to unite this nation, and it can also be the standard around which we rally. On the battlefield of energy we can win for our nation a new confidence, and we can seize control again of our common destiny.

In little more than two decades we've gone from a position of energy independence to one in which almost half the oil we use comes from foreign countries, at prices that are going through the roof. Our excessive dependence on OPEC has already taken a tremendous toll on our economy and our people. This is the direct cause of the long lines which have made millions of you spend aggravating hours waiting for gasoline. It's a cause of the increased inflation and unemployment that we now face. This intolerable dependence on foreign oil threatens our economic independence and the very security of our nation. The energy crisis is real. It is worldwide. It is a clear and present danger to our nation. These are facts and we simply must face them.

Our nation must be fair to the poorest among us, so we will increase aid to needy Americans to cope with rising energy prices. We often think of conservation only in terms of sacrifice. In fact, it is the most painless and immediate way of rebuilding our nation's strength. Every gallon of oil each one of us saves is a new form of production. It gives us more freedom, more confidence, that much more control over our own lives.

So, the solution of our energy crisis can also help us to conquer the crisis of the spirit in our country. It can rekindle our sense of unity, our confidence in the future, and give our nation and all of us individually a new sense of purpose.

I do not promise you that this struggle for freedom will be easy. I do not promise a quick way out of our nation's problems, when the truth is that the only way out is an all-out effort. What I do promise you is that I will lead our fight, and I will enforce fairness in our struggle, and I will ensure honesty. And above all, I will act. We can manage the short-term shortages more effectively and we will, but there are no short-term solutions to our long-range problems. There is simply no way to avoid sacrifice.

Twelve hours from now I will speak again in Kansas City, to expand and to explain further our energy program. Just as the search for solutions to our energy shortages has now led us to a new awareness of our Nation's deeper problems, so our willingness to work for those solutions in energy can strengthen us to attack those deeper problems.

I will continue to travel this country, to hear the people of America. You can help me to develop a national agenda for the 1980s. I will listen and I will act. We will act together. These were the promises I made three years ago, and I intend to keep them.

Little by little we can and we must rebuild our confidence. We can spend until we empty our treasuries, and we may summon all the wonders of science. But we can succeed only if we tap our greatest resources -- America's people, America's values, and America's confidence.

I have seen the strength of America in the inexhaustible resources of our people. In the days to come, let us renew that strength in the struggle for an energy secure nation.

In closing, let me say this: I will do my best, but I will not do it alone. Let your voice be heard. Whenever you have a chance, say something good about our country. With God's help and for the sake of our nation, it is time for us to join hands in America. Let us commit ourselves together to a rebirth of the American spirit. Working together with our common faith we cannot fail.

Thank you and good night."

Full Jimmy Carter Speech

Good Riddance, America

FROM THE DESK OF DONALD J. TRUMP

Dear America,

Hello.  It’s me.  It's your president.  First, let me start by saying how tremendously glad I am to be your commander in chief.  It means a lot.  I really, really appreciate it.  I appreciate it almost as much as I appreciated cards from my grandmother on my birthday.  It truly was a nice gesture.  So many of you said I couldn’t win, but I’m here for good and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Secondly, let me take the opportunity to say: Goodbye you blacks.  Goodbye you Muslims.  Goodbye Jews.  Goodbye Somalis.  Goodbye you disgusting Greeks with your overcooked, under-sauced food.  Goodbye lazy Mexicans, enjoy climbing my ten foot wall with your nine foot ladder.  Goodbye women, with their ways and their shopping.  Goodbye you fags, with...whatever it is you do.  Because, obviously, a very strong, very tough, tremendously masculine man such as myself couldn’t possibly care what makes you tick.  Good riddance you spicks, you lazy sacks of trash.  Goodbye to the Millennials, Generation X, and Generation Y, I won’t miss you degenerate twats a bit.  Goodbye Koreans who sell their overpriced tomatoes on 57th and Park.  Goodbye you micks.  Goodbye you meager Indians, stealing the money I’ve made from your misfortunes.  What’s mine is mine shitheads.  Goodbye democracy.  Goodbye equal rights.  Goodbye diversity, for diversity is the root of all true evil.  Was Adam white?  Was Eve? 

Lastly: Hello you beautiful white people.  Hello you Wall Street Industrialists, you titans of all industry.  Hello rich white widows and widowers.  Hello rich bankers, with your causal cocaine addictions and squash memberships.  Hello you glorious people willing to give me your hard earned cash thinking I have an intention of making a difference.  The world needs suckers too, ya know.  Hello malicious intents.  Hello idocracy.  Hello segregation.  Hello persecution.  Hello oppression.  Hello sweet, sweet white supremacy; you've been lurking for far too long and I can't tell you how happy I am to let you out of your cage. 

Let me make something perfectly clear to your America: I am not here for you.  This is about me.  Make America Great Again?  More like: Make TRUMP great again.  I am going to tremendously like taking everything you have and either profit from it or destroy it.  You think now because I'm president I won't make a buck?  You think because I'm president I'll tone down my racist rhetoric?  You think because I'm president I'll start to give two fucks about anybody but myself?  If so, America, you're off you're rocker.

I suppose I should be concerned I’ve said such harsh words in such a public forum—after all, you are America—but the last year has pretty much proved I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want.  I am the cockroach that will never die, constantly scurrying away just before the shoe drops. 

And, finally, thanks for proving to me that you don’t take anything particularly seriously.  And it’s because of your wonderful apathy that I’m your President-elect, and there are few things more stunning than that.

Good riddance, America.  I’ll see you when I see you.

Best regards.

Donald J. Trump

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on November 10, 2016)

'Merica Strikes Back

Dear America,

What’s up?  ‘Merica here.  I hear you’ve been bothering our fearless leader, Donald J. Trump.  Knock that (per Facebook Terms and Conditions insert curse word here) off.  He’s a good guy.  A good guy whose gonna kick some ass.  You know what we like about him? He’s real.  He’s as real as they come.  I’ve never seen a guy tell it like it is the way he does.  He’s so raw it gets my wood rattling—if you know what I mean.  He stuck it to Crooked Hillary, he stuck it to the liberal media, and now he’s gonna stick it to you. 

Trump is gonna drain the swamp, kill the establishment, cut taxes, destroy Obamacare, and bitch slap any foreign leader foolish enough to question his kick ass authority.  He’s gonna bring back the coal factories, eliminate NAFTA—the absolute worst trade deal in the history of this great county.  He’s gonna deport the immigrants and build a great, big wall to keep ‘em out.  What’s more, he’s gonna charge the Mexicans down to the penny to pay for that wall.  He’s gonna be the greatest job creator God has ever seen.  He’s gonna do so many great things that by 2020 we’ll be the most powerful country in the world again.  And on that good day, America, we can’t wait to tell you we told you so.

Fuck China.  Fuck Mexico.  Fuck the Ukraine, Iraq, Iran, and Syria.  There’s a new sheriff in town, America, and you’d best get used to it.

Trump’s gonna build ties with Russia.  It’s about time!  So what if they hacked us and used information to influence the election?  Does anyone really care?  Besides, they hacked us for good reason: to sully the name of Hillary Clinton and her confidants.  In short, they acted like ‘Mericans!  Fuck yeah!  How can we not respect them for that?  Isn’t that the type of ally we’d wanna have?

And you know what the best part is, America?  Trump’s gonna let us keep our guns.  Our 100% absolute Constitutional right.  No longer will we have to live in fear that Hillary and her cronies will come knocking on our doors and demand our Glocks and Berettas.  We’ll be free to carry whatever we want, whenever we want, and there isn’t a damn thing anyone’s gonna be able to do about it.

We’re gonna get back to the way things were.  And isn’t that what America is all about?

Now fuck off bothering our President-elect and do what you do best: fade into the ether while ‘Merica enjoys the fruits of the electoral college’s labor.

Later sucker,

‘Merica

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on January 12, 2017)

The 115th Congress

Dear 115th Congress,

Hello, you knuckleheads.  It’s me, America.  Well, you really started things off with a bang, didn’t you?  What was supposed to be your celebratory affair on Tuesday morning—welcoming new and returning members of Congress—turned into a complete and utter disaster after what you pulled on Monday night.  One may call it an ill-fated reach; others may refer to it as sneaky and distasteful; I prefer to think of it as idiotic.  House Republicans, led by Representative Robert W. Goodlatte of Virginia, attempted to prevent the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) from pursuing investigations into members of Congress that might result in criminal charges.

Good one. 

It’s like before the race even started you managed to trip over your own shoelaces.  Even Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and President-elect Donald Trump were against this.  You know you’ve fucked up when those two are condemning you.  Crippling the Ethics Committee?  Really?  How dense can you be?

We know Congress’ track record, and we are not fooled.  In May of this year, The Atlantic did an article about the worst Congress in history.  And congratulations, 114th Congress, you took the cake!  You even beat out the 112th Congress—which was the most ineffective in history, according to Pew Research Center, passing a mere 208 substantive bills in its two years—the lowest recorded in congressional history.  This laziness and ineptitude even edged out the 113th Congress, which passed only four more bills, and saw Ted Cruz reading Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate Floor.  That’s right, 114th Congress, you were worse than a grown man mumbling the words of Dr. Seuss to our elected officials.

We do, however, commend the constituents of the 115th Congress’ men and women.  You got on the phone and you inundated your representatives with calls denouncing such an action.  Internet searches for the phrase “Who is my representative?” flooded search engines shortly after news of this broke, and by Tuesday morning it had reached its peak.  Their outrage rattled your sneaky play so effectively, your hopes of reduced oversight were squashed even before it could reach the voting floor.  We insisted we would keep fighting the good fight, and we will continue to prove that we’re not going anywhere.

On Tuesday morning, Representative Goodlatte took to The Hill to vent about our misconceptions of the meeting and his hopes to limit the committee’s power.  His claim was that he was improving the OCE, rather than dismantling it—even though one of his suggestions was renaming the committee altogether.  He writes, “while the name may change, the office maintains its independence and mission to review complaints...” Really?  If your suggestions were so innocuous, why try and slip this in without going through the proper channels?  You even wrote, “Today the OCE is able to accept anonymous complaints, meaning literally anyone from anywhere in the world can send something through a website and potentially disparage the reputation of a Member without a basis in fact. Responding to an anonymous accusation drags good people’s names through the mud, costs the accused tens of thousands of dollars, and costs people their jobs.”  According to the OCE’s website, though, it takes a great deal for an investigation even to reach the preliminary stages.  Investigations are broken up into a 30 day preliminary review and then a second-phase, 45 day review.  In fact, it takes at least two members of the OCE Board to request an investigation before it can begin.  The fact that you think any bumpkin off the street can sully the name of a Congress man or woman through the manipulation of the OCE is blatantly unfounded.  Mr. Goodlatte, it’s like you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and you told your mother the Cookie Monster is in your basement and he made you do it.  Take some responsibility for your asinine idea.  In a time when there is so much distrust and paranoia surrounding politics and our representatives, don’t hold a surprise, closed-door meeting to keep the one independent body from investigating issues of misconduct.  We’d like to think our representatives are smarter and savvier than that, and we don’t appreciate you taking us for imbeciles? 

I mean, seriously, how stupid do you think we are, 115th Congress?  You knocked on our door and the first thing you say is, “While it’s true we’re following in the footsteps of some historical and colossal fuck-ups, please don’t monitor us in the event we may accept inappropriate gifts or goods for certain works we may or may not do.”  Are you serious?  This would be like releasing sex offenders into halfway houses and telling them, “Hey, you know those ankle bracelets we use to monitor your whereabouts?  They don’t actually work.”

We say again: “Good one.”

There is so much to do, so many problems to solve, so many laws to pass, and this was the first of your efforts?  You need to focus waging wars on poverty, affordable healthcare, and equal pay for women.  You need to create and enact a federalized minimum wage rate.  You need to fix the floundering programs of Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.  You need to fight back against the idea of school vouchers and pour money into our public education systems through grants and endowments.  You need to do so many things in your 700+ days, and you start off by attempting to put in a preemptive measure ensuring that, when you inevitably fuck up, there won’t be anyone around to hold you accountable?

Good one, you absolute, unequivocal jabronis.   Make sure to pay your phone bill, because we can’t wait to keep calling.

Best regards.

America

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on January 4, 2017)

From Donald to Vlad, With Love

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 3:42:07 AM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

What are you doing tonight?  You wanna hang out?  Melania is making popcorn and I’m ordering KFC.  We could watch a movie or something.  Rocky IV?  But we could watch your version where you recut it so Dolph Lundgren wins.  Or we can watch something else.  Whatever you want.  Let me know.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:49:18 AM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I cannot hang out.  I have much business to attend to and have no time to watch Rocky IV.  Or any other Rocky for that matter.  I will let you know if my schedule should change.  Though, it won’t.  In meantime, send me passwords for your Chief of Staff and Defence Secretary’s email accounts.  Thank you. 

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:51:05 AM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad, 

No problem.  My chief of staff’s password is RabbitRun322 and my defense secretary’s password is WarWarWhatIsItGoodFor69.  Do you need their emails, too?  Maybe you could come over tomorrow and we could go Segwaying.  There’s a nice spot by the river we could grab some Mexican taco bowls.  Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 11:59:22 AM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to ride Segway with you.  Yes, please send emails. 

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 12:01:01 PM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

Okay Vlad.  Don’t worry about it.  Segways are dumb anyway.  I don’t even like them.

Reince Priebus’ email is ReincePeePants@gmail.com.  It’s a very good email, sort of an inside joke.  Maybe I could tell it to you some day.

James Mattis’ email is MadDog696969@hotmail.com.  His is also very good.\

Do you also need Steve Bannon’s email?  I wasn’t sure...

The four of us are all supposed to get together tomorrow and watch Shark Tank.  Maybe you could come?

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:51:24 PM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not like Shark Tank or that phony baloney Mark Cuban.  I will not come. 

Yes, please send Steve Bannon’s email and password.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:53:21 PM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

Yeah, Shark Tank is stupid.  Bannon’s the one who likes it.  None of the rest of us like it.  It’s really very dumb.

Steve’s email is Steveo.Bano@aol.com.  We like to call him Steveo sometimes.  It’s really very funny.  Maybe you could come in this weekend and we could call him Steveo together.  It’d be tremendously funny.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:23:23 PM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to call him Steveo.  That is a most horrendous nickname which I do not understand.

Also, you only sent me Mr. Bannon’s email.  Send password immediately.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:27:11 PM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  It is an horrendous nickname.  That’s what I told him when he was like: “Hey, everyone start calling me Steveo now.”  He went through a Jackass-phase for a long time.  One time he tackled a guest at the Trump Tower while wearing a panda costume.  It was hilarious.  Johnny Knoxville is like his hero.  

His password is KKKLivesMatter09. 

Maybe this weekend I could come to Russia.  I could bring Melania.  I hear it’s beautiful this time of year.  I have my own plane, you know.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:11:06 AM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  I am very busy with business.  Please stop inviting me to things.  I am tiger hunting this weekend and cannot be disturbed.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:17:01 AM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

I love tiger hunting.  I could come maybe?  I won’t say anything.  I’ll just hang out in the back while you hunt tigers.  I won’t bother you, I promise.

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 8:57:06 PM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  Ramzan Kadyrov is already joining me and there simply isn’t enough room for either you or Melania.  Please stop asking to come as I am very busy with business.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:01:19 PM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

I’m very busy with business, too.  I’m a businessman.  Maybe we could get together and talk about business.  I’m really very good at business.

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:06:36 PM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:07:51 PM 
To: Putin, Vladimir 
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  Business is dumb.

Well, let me know when you’re free.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

Love, Don

From: Postmaster
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:08:57 PM 
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: *UNDELIVERABLE*: hang out?

Delivery has failed to these recipients or distribution lists:

Putin, Vladimir

Your message wasn't delivered because of security policies. Microsoft Exchange will not try to redeliver this message for you. Please provide the following diagnostic text to your system administrator:

Final-Recipient: VladTheMan@Russia.com
Action: failed
Status: 5.7.1
Diagnostic-Code: smtp;550 5.7.1 RESOLVER.RST.AuthRequired; authentication required
X-Display-Name: Putin, Vladimir

Sent by Microsoft Exchange Server 2007 

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on December 9, 2016)

Yes, Donald, We're Scared...

Dear Mr. President-elect Trump,

Okay.  We get it.  And we believe in times of crisis and anxiety, the best course of action is not to panic.  Are we scared?  Well, that’s a complicated question.  Yes, we’re concerned that your current cabinet member nominations are the usual suspects of moral corruption and white supremacy.  But we’re also empowered by the fact you’ve chosen to nominate such a clown car of ineptitude we have no other recourse than to rise up.  So you know what we’re going to do, Mr. President-elect, Mr. Big Shot, Mr. My-Way-Or-The-Highway-Jackal?  We’re going to call our Congress men and women.  We’re going to demand change.  We’re going to voice our informed opinions until the air in our lungs is gone.  We’re going to fight—in your world of suppression—if only for one semblance of satisfaction.

We’re going to be the activists this country needs.  We’re going empower organizations like The Trevor Project, Safe Horizon, The NAACP Legal Defense Council, Planned Parenthood, and MALDEF.  We’re going to donate both our time and our money.  We’re going to create a revolution so big and so powerful Alexander Hamilton would have blushed.

You are our president; we acknowledge that fact.  But the foundations of equal rights, equal opportunity, and free speech not only exist, they are protected under the Constitution you claim to find so dear.  And if fundamental civil liberties are ignored, we’ll rant, and we’ll march, and we’ll cry out against your broken system.  We’ll call for action and efficiency when Congress and your cronies are unwilling to safeguard the human rights you claim to be needless.

We’re going to ignore your tirades.  We’re going to give your Twitter feed a timeout.  We’re going to show you what we’re really capable of.  It’s time to grow up, Mr. President-elect.  It’s time to acknowledge global warming is a fact, and not a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.  It’s time to recognize Black Lives Matter as a movement, not a silly protest.  It’s time to believe the desegregation of schools, communities, and cities is not only right and just, it’s imperative to our nation’s continued existence.  America is already great because of our diversity.  We created a land so free, and so prosperous, immigrants from all over the world came in search of the American dream.  

We are a country that is constantly moving forward, constantly creating.  And, in spite of what they tell you, Mr. President-elect, Democrats are not the Progressives, America is The Progressive.  And we believe the best solution to our problems is to move forward, not backward.

So, are we scared?  Yes.  But so should you be.  Because you have no idea how far we’re willing to go to protect our people from your blatant racism, sexism, and ignorance.  And we welcome you to prove us wrong.  Nothing would make us happier.  Prove our fears are groundless and unjustified; prove you can treat your presidency with grace and respect, not like an episode of The Apprentice; prove you care about the ideals of this country and not your own fascist agenda.  Stick it to us by protecting us, that’s all we ask.

Well, we should run, Italy and France are coming over to play Risk and we still haven’t made the hummus.  

As always, let us know if you have any questions.  We look forward to hearing from you.

Always helpful, never intrusive,

America

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on December 7, 2016 under the title, “Yes, We’re F*cking Scared”)

Scared yet, America?

Dear America,

Got your letter.  It was very good.  And while I'm sure you'd like to think I'll take it under advisement, I think we both know that's not gonna happen.  

Honestly, I really only have one thing to ask: Scared yet? 

No? 

Well, then let's recap.  Since my tremendous victory in an election so easy to win I even got to say "pussy" during my campaign, I have selected some very great people to my administration.

Let's start with Steve Bannon.  I know, America, I know.  I said I'd drain the swamp and then I hire a former Goldman Sachs investment banker.  But listen, he once said this about the women's movement: "That's one of the unintended consequences of the women's liberation movement—that, in fact, the women that would lead this country would be feminine, they would be pro-family, they would have husbands, they would love their children.  They wouldn't be a bunch of dykes that came from the 7 Sisters schools up in New England."  That's the kind of rhetoric I can get behind.  His nasty ex-wife, Louise Piccard, accused him of being an antisemite.  But what does she know?  She's a woman for God's sake!  Plus, he's a propagandaist just like me.  In a 2010 interview, he said: "Fear is a good thing.  Fear is going to lead you to take action."  Even David Duke said it was an "excellent" pick!

My new National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, also upholds the fear mongering ideals I'm very keen on.  Plus, he uses Twitter!  How could I not pick the guy?  Back in August, Flynn tweeted: "Fear of Islam is RATIONAL: please forward this to others: the truth fears no questions..."  His blanket racism is not only an asset to my administration, but a useful tool in weeding out tons and tons of unwanted immigrants.

Who's next?  Ah, yes, Jeff Sessions!  My new Attorney General.  This cat is a great man.  Even though he was denied federal judgeship by a Senate Judiciary Committee because of racist remarks, and even though he said he thought the KKK was "O.K.” until he found out they smoked pot, and even though he scoffs at women's rights, the guy is all for mass deportation of Muslims!  That's exactly what I said I'd do in my campaign!  We're made for each other.  Two peas, one pod, am I right?

America, in your letter you said you'd like me to place an emphasis on education.  Who better to do that than Betsy DeVos—a Michigan billionaire and conservative activist—as my Education Secretary?  This woman is perfect since she has such little understanding of the foul beast that is public education.  According to Kary Moss, executive director of the ACLU (whatever that is), Betsy has "been a staunch proponent of school vouchers and supported unlimited, unregulated growth of charter schools."  Betsy even agrees to back my plan to use $20 billion of federal funds for block grants to states to support the use of vouchers.  And, with any luck, she'll completely get rid of the $15 billion allocated to Title I—the federal program designed to provide equal access to primary and secondary educations—a Title that greatly benefits children living in poverty.  How cool is that?  Talk about cutting the fat!  Now, I know what you may be thinking, school vouchers just divert tax-payer dollars into private and parochial schools, and that there's really little to no evidence to support the claim that charter schools educate children better than public schools, but at least I picked a woman to my administration!  It's time to start giving me some credit, America.

My pick for CIA director, Mike Pompeo, is a solid Tea Party Republican supported by the Koch Brothers.  My pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson, used to be a neurosurgeon, so he's got to be smart at supporting urban development.  Although, to be fair, nobody supports urban development more than me.  Or housing for that matter.  I support it greatly. 

And just this morning I picked Tom Price as my Health Secretary.  We'll stand side by side and dismantle Obamacare as soon as I take office.  He's absolutely against abortions and wants to cut off funding to any clinic that performs them.  Birth control covered under insurance?  WE DON'T THINK SO.  What will Women's Rights be when they have no rights?  Women Wrong is more like it, am I right.  Honestly, though, Tom is tremendous.  After all, who really needs programs like Medicare and Medicaid, not to mention Planned Parenthood?  As rich, privileged, white men: we certainly don't.

So, I'll ask again, America: Scared yet?

I'm sure I can expect another long-winded retort very soon.  Toodles for now.

Best regards.

Donald J. Trump

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on November 29, 2016 under the title “Scared Yet?”)

Obama Says Goodbye

Dear America,            

Hello there.  It's me.  Your fearless leader...It's Obama.  Barack.  It's Barack Obama.  The President of the United States.  Current President.  I was writing to...well...I was just wondering if...

Please don't make me go.  Please.

There's still so much I have to do.  I still need to close Guantanamo, overhaul immigration, and mend ties with Cuba.  I need to fix Social Security and create free college education programs.  I need to ensure Merrick Garland is appointed to the Supreme Court.  For the love of God, I need to protect my true treasure: Obamacare.

Oh, who am I kidding?  Honestly, I just want to save my legacy.  I mean, this is crazy, right?  Donald J. Trump?  I still wake up in the mornings believing the election was a twisted dream, but then I wander the halls of the West Wing and see the pained, heartbroken expressions of my staffers and know it must be true.  Democracy is a wonderful thing, sometimes the best of things.  It's something that should be upheld and honored.  But, I'll say again: this is crazy, right?  The Donald?

Isn't there any leniency with that whole "term limit" thing?  Maybe just another two years?  One?  Six months and I'll walk away, I promise.

Seriously, America?  I spent my two terms stimulating the economy, providing healthcare for every single American, reducing unemployment, and creating jobs.  When I took office in January 2009 the Dow Jones had dipped below 8,000, the unemployment rate was 7.6%, and job creation was practically dormant.  Today, the Dow is well over 18,000, unemployment is at 4.9%, and I've helped create more than 9,000,000 jobs!  Make America Great Again?  What the hell do you think I've been doing these last 8 years?  

Please, please, please, don't make me go.  Please don't let the last 8 years be destroyed by the next 4.  You wouldn't build the Golden Gate Bridge to turn around and blow it up, would you?  Come on, man!!  I bottled beer in the White House for God's sake!  I SING AL GREEN!  And you've replaced me with an orange haired, red-faced, discriminatory, fear-peddling, ignoramus?

COME. ON. MAN.

Just...just...oh, please just let me stay.  I promise I won't bother anyone.  I'll just keep my head down and do my job and I won't say a thing.  Just say you'll think about it, okay?  Isn't violating the Constitution worth not having to subject yourself to a former reality star as your Commander in Chief?  Isn't ignoring the democratic process worth not having to worry about a woman's right to choose?  Isn't shunning the electoral college worth not having to worry about one's immigration rights?  The nuclear football will be in the hands of a pea-brained nitwit with an itchy trigger finger and no inside voice!  Please just think about it.

Well, I hear Michelle calling.  We need to go down to the garden and pick vegetables for dinner—oh yeah, that's right, I built a fucking garden in the White House, too!

Don't forget me, America.

Love, always and forever,

Barack H. Obama

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on November 17, 2016 under the title “Barack Says Goodbye”)

America Responds to The Donald

Dear Mr. President-elect Trump,

Hi.  It’s America.  Got your letter.  We especially liked the Ziggy postage stamp you used.  He is both a beloved and under-appreciated character in our cartoon history.  We would like to think your letter was sent in good faith, but judging by the rigid, bombastic content, we're guessing we should assume otherwise.

We'd like to start by congratulating you.  You did, indeed, win the 2016 Presidential Election.  That much is true.  But after reading your letter some thoughts came to mind, and if you'll indulge us for just a few more words, we think we can help alleviate some of the divisiveness you're so keen on exercising.

First, and this is a simple one, tone down the racist, bigoted, misogynistic rhetoric.  We'll explain it in a way second grade teachers all across the country are explaining to their students: think about what you're saying, and if you're fine with somebody saying that about you, then it's probably OK.  Example: you said, "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best...They're bringing drugs.  They're bringing crime.  They're rapists."  Someone could just easily say, "When Donald Trump comes to your town, he's not bringing his best.  He's bringing drugs.  He's bringing crime.  He's bringing rape."  Both are unfair characterizations, we're sure, but no less contentious.  We will not survive your presidency if your sole belief is the promotion of old, rich, white men and to hell with the rest. 

This country was founded on the ideals of hope, freedom, and truth, three ideals you clearly struggle with.  So, for the next four years, please remember your job as president is not only to be tolerant, but embracing; embracing of all sexes, races, religions, creeds, and sexual orientations.  Freedoms should not be afforded only to gun owners and Wall Street fat cats.  We are the land of the free for many reasons beyond those, and the moment you discontinue our traditions, the moment we quit being a country.

Second: enough with the fear mongering.  In spite of your preposterous claims, your job as president isn't to tell people what to be afraid of and who's to blame for those fears.  It's a fundamentally flawed concept to accuse poor people of creating a stagnant or failing economy, or reprimanding an entire race for isolated incidents.  Terrible things happen all the time—in our country and others—and chastising a whole populous for a few extremists will only advance our country's latent racism and instill that fear you're so intent on broadcasting.  Our country's well-being is far more important than your unsettling scare tactics. 

Thirdly, and for more than half of Americans this is probably most important, it is and always will be a woman's right to choose.  Inflicting your own "moral" compass on another woman's body is neither the president's decision nor any other Tom, Dick, and Harry who feels otherwise.  It has been decades since women have been afforded and granted the right to choose, and you should not only refuse to be a president that strips away freedoms based on one's gender, you should condemn it.  And, while you argue abortion should be a state's issue, rather than a federal issue, the 1973 Supreme Court opinion decided otherwise.  It is not your obligation or even your privilege to insist you know what is right for all women.  And it would be to misunderstand these women to presume as much. 

Lastly, after the election, thousands took to the streets to protest the result.  Please know not all of these people were whining or protesting the democratic process or even the electoral college, most of these people were protesting your plans and policies.  These Americans strongly believe your agenda is so deeply flawed and marred by deceit they have taken to their cities to speak out against it.  Not only are these people protected by the constitutional rights you claim to respect, they are the activists our country needs and craves.  If we do not have a voice, then our only other recourse is to be paralyzed by our anxieties.

We do, however, take solace in one thing: throughout our nation's history we have always risen up, reborn into something greater, something more meaningful than ever once it was.  And, we promise you, we will rise from this.  We will fight until we have nothing left and we will succeed, this is our undying promise.  Revolutions manifest in all sorts of ways, and so, Mr. Trump, thank you for being this generation's catalyst.

We need to get back to what this country was built upon.  We need to quit ridiculing intelligence, and, rather, promote it.  It is imperative not only to instill an appreciation for education, but a hunger for one.  Teachers should be the highest paid employees in our country and schools should be seen more as kingdoms than prisons.  We need to focus on advancing technology, getting back to building rather than destroying; infrastructure should be celebrated, not glossed over like some inconvenient truth.  We need to quit belittling morality.  And so, during the first 100 days of your presidency, we implore you to focus only on one thing: decency toward all.  We can't fix our problems, Mr. Trump, without first admitting we have them.  Before you tear down this country, understand what makes us tick, understand our passions, understand our hopes and beliefs.  In short: understand us.

It's time to end oppression and endorse unity.  It's time to end hate and advocate love.  America is not just your country, Mr. President-elect, it's all of ours.  And once you start believing that, then maybe we'll have something to talk about.

I'm sure we'll discuss very soon.

Regards.

America

(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on November 14, 2016)