Hello there. It's me. Your fearless leader...It's Obama. Barack. It's Barack Obama. The President of the United States. Current President. I was writing to...well...I was just wondering if...
Please don't make me go. Please.
There's still so much I have to do. I still need to close Guantanamo, overhaul immigration, and mend ties with Cuba. I need to fix Social Security and create free college education programs. I need to ensure Merrick Garland is appointed to the Supreme Court. For the love of God, I need to protect my true treasure: Obamacare.
Oh, who am I kidding? Honestly, I just want to save my legacy. I mean, this is crazy, right? Donald J. Trump? I still wake up in the mornings believing the election was a twisted dream, but then I wander the halls of the West Wing and see the pained, heartbroken expressions of my staffers and know it must be true. Democracy is a wonderful thing, sometimes the best of things. It's something that should be upheld and honored. But, I'll say again: this is crazy, right? The Donald?
Isn't there any leniency with that whole "term limit" thing? Maybe just another two years? One? Six months and I'll walk away, I promise.
Seriously, America? I spent my two terms stimulating the economy, providing healthcare for every single American, reducing unemployment, and creating jobs. When I took office in January 2009 the Dow Jones had dipped below 8,000, the unemployment rate was 7.6%, and job creation was practically dormant. Today, the Dow is well over 18,000, unemployment is at 4.9%, and I've helped create more than 9,000,000 jobs! Make America Great Again? What the hell do you think I've been doing these last 8 years?
Please, please, please, don't make me go. Please don't let the last 8 years be destroyed by the next 4. You wouldn't build the Golden Gate Bridge to turn around and blow it up, would you? Come on, man!! I bottled beer in the White House for God's sake! I SING AL GREEN! And you've replaced me with an orange haired, red-faced, discriminatory, fear-peddling, ignoramus?
COME. ON. MAN.
Just...just...oh, please just let me stay. I promise I won't bother anyone. I'll just keep my head down and do my job and I won't say a thing. Just say you'll think about it, okay? Isn't violating the Constitution worth not having to subject yourself to a former reality star as your Commander in Chief? Isn't ignoring the democratic process worth not having to worry about a woman's right to choose? Isn't shunning the electoral college worth not having to worry about one's immigration rights? The nuclear football will be in the hands of a pea-brained nitwit with an itchy trigger finger and no inside voice! Please just think about it.
Well, I hear Michelle calling. We need to go down to the garden and pick vegetables for dinner—oh yeah, that's right, I built a fucking garden in the White House, too!
Don't forget me, America.
Love, always and forever,
Barack H. Obama
(This letter originally appeared on Pecorino & Eggs on November 17, 2016 under the title “Barack Says Goodbye”)